the BLAGGER'S guide...to grammer: ThePost.ie


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the BLAGGER'S guide...to grammer
Sunday, February 01, 2004
Tonight, my friend, we are going to improve our grammar.This book by Lynne Truss, which is entitled Eats, Shoots & Leaves, is going to change the way we spell forever.

But I thought we were going to spend the evening listening to CD's or watching some DVD's.

It's CDs, you fool. CDs and DVDs! Don't you understand that the apostrophe has no reason to exist in that sentence?

And, as Truss puts it, "if this satanic sprinkling of redundant apostrophes causes no little gasp of horror or quickening of the pulse, you should probably put down this book at once."

What? Your joking. It's not `your', dumbo. It's `you're'! As Truss explains, "if you can replace the word with you are, then the word is you're." `Your', on the other hand, is a possessive determiner ± you should only use it when referring to matters such as what you owe `your' friend. And, at this present moment in time, you owe your friend some serious attention.

Yawn. Let's go watch `Bridget Jones' Diary', shall we?

Maybe I would if you could spell the title of the film properly. It's `Bridget Jones's Diary'.
"Current guides to punctuation state that with modern names ending in s, the s is required after the apostrophe." With names from the ancient world, however, it is not. Which is why we have Archimedes' screw and Achilles' heel.

But "if the name ends in an `iz' sound, an exception is made: Moses' tablets. And an exception is always made for Jesus: Jesus' disciples."

Cripes, that Truss is one thorough lady!

Be careful where you put those exclamation marks, buddy. "Ever since it came along, grammarians have warned us to be wary of the exclamation mark, mainly because, even when we try to muffle it with brackets (!), it still shouts, flashes like neon, and jumps up and down. The rule is ± only use an exclamation mark when you are absolutely sure you require such a big effect."

Okay! Can we please stop now ? ! A nd go watch some DVDs?!

Only if you let me reveal the inspiration for the title of Truss's book.

"A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air. "Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. `Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynne Truss is published by Profile and retails at €14.20